5 July, 2000

A Paradigm Shift 7/5/00

Well, it happened to me too. What's happened has surprised me and by the most part, I did not think I would experience it. I freaked out today. What I mean by freak out is I became very depressed and hated the world. Why? I'm not sure why I felt this way but I did. I really didn't know how to deal with these feelings so I went to bed. That way, I would not offend anyone. I was not angry at anyone in parcticular but everyone in general. So how did this feeling start?

I began the morning as usual but in a little melancholy mood. Nick keeps saying that I listen to depressing music but I never realized it until he said that. I usually listen to music when I workout. My choice of music is the Counting Crows, Natalie Merchant, U2, and REM. This is where my mood may have started, that and a lack of sleep. I collected the usual weather observations and the rime collection was non-existent. I had expected to work with Nick today making a map of the area but he has been involved with the Swiss fellows so he changed the course of the day. I needed to work on data input and analysis of my observations so I proceeded with this activity. Lunch was not something I could eat-eggs, home fries, and bacon. Maybe it was low blood sugar that triggered this mood.

About mid-day, I saw Ted working in a snow pit. I like working with Ted so I asked him if I could help. We collected snow samples in the pit to look at snow density. We also did a stratigraphy of the snow pit, e.g. looking at the layers of snow. It was important to collect this data because Aaron and Ted used this area to look at diffusivity of the snow (how gases pass through the snow(firn) layers). They injected prepared gases and watched how fast it moved. The probes that injected the gases into the snow were buried about 20 cm below the surface we hypothesized. A snow layer may have an ice layer above or below it causing the gas to be trapped in that layer. If the probes were buried in different layers, it would change the gas flow causing problems with the experiment. What Ted and I did was to carefully dig into the firn and uncover what layers the probes were actually located. We discovered that they were all in the same layer of snow.

After my stint with Ted, I decided to break from data input and go to the gym to workout. This is where the freak out started. As I rode the exercise bike, I became very depressed. Maybe it was listening to the Counting Crows (for the 28th time) or maybe it just added to my already melancholy mood. In any event, I felt pretty bad. I almost missed dinner (6-7 pm) and when I did arrive, everyone else had finished so I ate by myself. This started the spiral downward to cascade. I need to get away from this place but there really is no place to go. Ski-I'll go skiing. I put on my ski boots and headed toward my tent to get my jacket. Once in the tent, I decided it would be best that I stayed there. This way, I would be self-contained. It was somewhat warm there and I fell asleep. It was only 8 pm at this time. Highly unusual since I have been staying up until 1 am every night. Maybe I was tired. I know I was tired of a lot of things-the snow, the cold, wearing so many clothes all the time, wearing sun glasses all day and night, etc. All I knew was that my tent was the safest place for me to be at this time. Does this happen to everyone? I was so positive until today. I just freaked out. Tomorrow is another day and I hope I feel better. I am experiencing a paradigm shift in attitude and maturity. It happens to everyone and today, it happened to me too.

Ciao, Cathi